Friday, April 8, 2011

God loves ME and wants ME to experience His goodness too!

So one of the things I have struggled with my whole life is knowing that God actually wants ME to experience every bit of His goodness too.  For some of you you may wonder why on earth I feel that way.... others, will know exactly what I mean.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is Gods will to heal and to love on people.  I feel it for others and I see it every day.... I guess I just felt that somehow I was disqualified.  Maybe it's because I have yet to see the healing I have wanted so desperately for myself, who knows.  When I came to Bethel, healing for myself was the last thing I was going for.  I just want to see those around me experience the incredible goodness of God in any and every way they need.  Provision for example is one way that I know God well.  He has been so faithful in keeping His word to me when He said "you will not lack" when I made the decision to come here to Bethel.  Every month one way or another my mortgage gets paid, and every month it is a complete miracle.  Every month my account in NZ goes down to 2c or less and yet my c/c bills and mortgage (usually about $1300 total) gets paid.  For those of you who have blessed me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  It has totally been a God thing and every month He is creative in how He provides.  I am ALMOST to the point where I don't worry, because I know He will come through.  I don't ask anyone and usually don't tell anyone my need, God just provides.  In fact, here at Redding, I had a stranger give me $1000 cheque!!! She just told me God told her to bless me!  I nearly fainted when I saw it!  It was just what I needed!  Anyway.... back to the original reason for this post (all though that all falls into the category of GOD LOVES ME).  In Feb I found a lump... not a small one, and not a 'oh that's nothing' one.  It was a tiny bit smaller than a golf ball and was as hard as a rock.  I'm not quite sure how I missed it but well, it was quite a shock.  When things like this happen, you go in to 'survival mode' or in my case- 'maybe if I ignore it, it will go away' mode.  At the time Mel was visiting but instead of telling her I decided not to tell anyone.  As most of you know, our Mum died of cancer and she actually had ovarian cancer before we were born (when she was exactly my age) so the fear I instantly felt was pretty intense.  Because of this, I didn't want to tell Mel or my Dad because I didn't want them to feel the way I was.  I eventually told Lacey my best friend here and she was like "you have to go to the Dr".  One small problem with that- I have no insurance here in USA and well, i HATE doctors and refused to do anything that would put a damper on my trip to Kenya.  So that's what I did... nothing.  As I went to Kenya, I would struggle with things like feeling like I deserved it because of the stress I had put myself through in the last 2+ years.  I knew God didn't make me sick but I somehow disqualified myself for Him to want to heal me because I knowningly put myself under that stress.  As I was in Kenya I thought to myself, if I can just remember a word I've gotten or something I know I will do that I haven't done yet, then I know I will live because if I haven't done it yet, I can't be "taken out".  The only thing I could think of that I know without a shadow of a doubt is that I will raise the dead.... and although I was definitely looking for some dead people to bring back, I was also scared that if I did, the I wouldn't have anything to hold onto.  I guess I'm being very transparent in this post but I have discovered that apparently I am not the only person that struggles with these feelings.  ;)  So anyway, Kenya came and went and I saw God's amazing healing power through myself and the team.... but yet I wasn't sure I could believe it for myself.  When I got back, Lacey didn't mention it so I didn't either then she went on her missions trip so I figured I was free to continue my denial.  On Monday (Mar 28th) I woke up and knew I HAD to go to the Dr.  I finally found some place that would take me for free (yes, believe it or not, that exists in America).  I finally gave in and told another friend who was already taking me to lunch that day and he took me to the Dr's and stayed with me while I shook like a leaf and was absolutely terrified.  When I finally got to see the Dr, the look on her face when she found it didn't help at all.  She took me out to the receptionist and was like I want her to have the quickest sonogram and mammogram you can get her booked in for.  NOT what I needed to hear.  Oh, and I don't ever suggest googling your symptoms... it only breeds fear!  So for the next week I was shit scared to say the least.  It seemed that with the 5hr daylight savings time difference to NZ and other circumstances, my family and friends were just not available (not that they even knew I needed them) so although I could get myself to a place of feeling God's overwhelming Peace, I quickly worked myself into a "oh crap, I'm gonna die" hole.  On the Wed I had a meeting with Marlene my Revival Group pastor and was only planning and talking to her about whether or not I was going to stay for 2nd year.  Completely unplanned it just came out of my mouth what was going on.... before I could take it back I had said it.  She immediately wanted me to let our Revival Group (about 60 people) pray for me that afternoon.  THIS was exactly what I didn't want but since I was so scared and felt so alone I figured, what the heck, it can't get any worse.  After a few hours of reassuring from one of my close friends I agreed and let them pray for me.  It was really powerful and I felt such incredible love and support from my 'extended Redding family'.  I went and checked it and it felt like it had definitely shrunk when they prayed.... Keep in mind, we see tumors disappear every single week here!  That night I went to my friends house and sat in the hot tub, when I got out, it was back to the original size.  I felt totally let down and even more upset than before but I didn't know what to do now.  My birthday was Sunday- I tried desperately to put on a happy face and I had an amazing day with awesome friends, but so many other things were going on in my mind, I didn't have a chance to hear from much of my family, Lacey and Ruth were gone.... it was one of the hardest days of my life.  I sat on the floor at church and thought "this is most likely my last birthday and my family doesn't even know".  Total pity party on my part.  I'm not sure why I ever doubt God but when it was looking as bad as it did, I knew i had a very thin line between giving up and actually walking out what I know I believe to be true- that God is a good God, all the time- and most importantly, that He loves ME.  Monday came and I had my sonogram at 4.30.  Blake and Dania were amazing and my rocks that day (and the week before too for that matter).  Completely assuring me everything would be alright we headed to the Dr.  When the nurse started doing the sonogram she kept saying "hmmm, this is interesting", you really only need to worry if it is hard like a rock, big, and if it doesn't hurt"  I'm sitting there thinking- wow, this is great, it is ALL those things!  She spent 20 min trying to take pictures, then she had the Dr come in and started talking to him..... apparently she couldn't find ANYTHING!!!  THe Dr checked me out as well and was like, "well, there is nothing there now so I'm not sure what was there before".  I'm laying there in disbelief and saying to them "well I guess I can explain it, I believe in miracles and I go to  Bethel where we see them every week in the healing rooms"... I think they thought I was crazy!  But quite frankly, I didn't care what they thought, because it was GONE!!!

So yeah, God loves me, and you, and every single person on this planet immeasurably and He had Jesus pay the price for ALL sickness, whether we bring it on ourselves or not!  I had 0% faith for myself, but those around me had all that was needed.  Faith is just the rate of exchange, it doesn't matter who has it.  I learned so many valuable lessons I can't even begin to tell you them all.  Finally I told my family on the other side of the months of fear and drama.... and I now realise maybe I should have trusted that God would use them to support me, not let them feel the fear I felt.  I am honestly still in shock about the whole thing and if I haven't told you personally and this is how you find out, I'm sorry, it has only been a few days and personally, I just want to sleep for a week (but I can't because I have SOOOO much homework) and let it all sink in.  I wanted to write this so anyone could read it because I know it will bless many.  I shared this with 1400 people at school on Tues morning and so I figured I best share it with all of you.  God is good.... ALL the time.

Me giving my testimony at school in front of 1300 people.

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